From the long talks about the divine and the human that we have at the beginning of the relationship to the routine and superficial conversation that sometimes comes with time: if you want your relationship to be strong (and you serfeliz in her) there are a few topics you can't stop talking about. And what to see tonight on Netflix, however important it may seem, is not one of them.
A study conducted by the University of Arizona determined that having conversations on issues that matter to us, which we consider profound, makes us much happier than those of "elevator" type conversations.
And this is totally applicable to couples, so I see it in consultation often: if the routine leads us to just cross a few words a day, or to talk exclusively about infrastructure and organization, we are leaving the couple without background, without background, without content to feed on.
Yes, we must decide who takes out the garbage and who makes the purchase, but we also need to know what our partner thinks of certain issues and share our positions.
It is not that suddenly you have to make a reading club between the two with the Ulysses of Joyce or discuss the Superman of Nietzche, it is about address issues that are transcendental for you, for you and your partner: it's about talking about the things that matter to you.
Let's talk about it
These are six of the issues that should be treated as a couple to build a healthy, strong and lasting relationship. Therapist word.
1. Projects, dreams and individual plans in the medium-long term
But, if we are in a couple, how about individual future plans? You are a couple, yes, but you are still two individuals, with your goals and your needs, and this is very important not to forget.
Go talking about the goals or plans of each makes the relationship well oiled facing the projection of the future: it allows us to fit our lives on information and real desires of each one, thus reducing future personal and couple frustrations.
Paradoxically to what many believe, preserving the individual, empowering him, makes us win together. Also, the best way for your partner to support and help you in your projects is to know what they are, so … share them!
We usually assume that we know our partner perfectly, that we know what to spare I wanted to be older or what is your dream project. But the reality is that it is not always the case, and we do not realize it.
When we have been in the relationship for a long time, it is possible that sometimes we put the automatic on certain topics, that we fill with what we believe instead of listening and / or that we stop talking about our dreams directly because they are not so easy to reach either. .
But share this with our partner, pay attention, build an accurate picture of their aspirations It is key for you to feel that we love you, to forge a solid foundation that will allow us to last for years. So Ask him, what do you want to be when you grow up?
2. Anguish, nerves and insecurities
This is the same as with the previous point: we usually assume that we know what our partner reveals or what generates anxiety.
Let's ask, let's not miss the opportunity to let the other person tell us something as intimate as insecurities, because something that a priori It's negative, it's really going to strengthen our relationship: by sharing it we will win in privacy, and more importantly, we will feel heard, supported … and that will make us love each other more.
3. Childhood and family: the past
How was our childhood, what were the customs at home, ideals and values of parents … and what do we understand by family we, what model we want and what we do not want to reproduce under any circumstances.
Why is it important to talk about this? Each one has been raised in a different environment with different rules, norms and a model of relationship, and whether we want to or not, this leaves the ground and therefore will have some weight in our relationship.
4. Your past relationships
You are going to tell me that there are things that are better not to tell your partner about the exs, and I will agree with you. One thing is that I recommend talking about your love past and another very different is that you embark on a monologue about life, work and miracles of Pepito, your ex who left you and it took you three years to forget.
To know each other in depth, to establish a complete image of the other, it is necessary to know the past and that includes, of course, relationships. What's wrong with talking about it if it's past? If he is with you it is, among other things, because those relationships did not work, so, bravo for the mistakes of the past!
And speaking of mistakes, one of the benefits of talking about our previous relationships is that we can share with the other person those aspects that made us break, those things we don't want in a relationship, what we ourselves did and do not want to repeat …
Let us leave anachronistic postures about relationship histories, let go of absurd jealousy and let us know who we have in front, our partner, with his lights and his shadows, with his present, but also with its past.
5. What we like about each other
Oh, if there is one thing that as a couple we tend to take for granted is that the other knows what we like about him. The arguments? What do you notice or what we told him on February 7, 2003. However, the reality is that as far as affections are concerned, it is not enough She knows it or The love is shown by being by his side.
Yes, we assume that if we are still together it is because we will have something that the other likes, but how sad to have to come to this approach. What is not said is not known, however much we believe our behavior reflects the opposite.
Talk about what you like about the other, what you love, what you did not like at the time and that now makes you crazy … In this way we focus on the positive aspects of the other and not on whether it has leave the lid open of the WC or if you do not close the package of bread "as you have to close it."
Sometimes talking costs. There are issues that seem hard to us or that we believe should not be touched. There are days, weeks, in which the only thing we want when we get home is losing consciousness on the couch. But your relationship needs care, needs a good foundation, and a very good way to achieve them is knowing the other person well, sharing with her what we are, what we want and what we were. So you know: Speak, do not skimp on words, because they are free and feel great.