There is a feeling that I understand above many others and it is the desire to be a mother. It's something I've dreamed of all my life and, although I'm afraid to be, I'm more afraid of not being. Motherhood, when desired, it can be one of the most beautiful stages of life.
However, as in many other vital aspects, it can also be accompanied by bad times and sorrows. And, in the case of pregnancies, unfortunately, there may be what is known as spontaneous abortion, more common in the first quarter.
This type of abortion occurs in between 20 and 30% of pregnancies and, therefore, although it is a topic that is not commonly discussed, it is a more common situation than we could imagine. A situation that, in addition, It is accompanied by a lot of pain, suffering and sometimes guilt, by the parents. Especially from mothers.
The need to grieve
The reality is that, although it is a more common situation than is known, each woman lives this situation in a different way, just like each person lives the death of a loved one in a different way.
In the case of desired pregnancies, many of them are fantasizing for a long time even before getting pregnant. Once pregnancy is known, it is normal to get excited, start planning things for the baby and dream about how it will be when it arrives.
Therefore, the loss of a spontaneous pregnancy, even in the first few weeks, it means the loss of a loved one and the future We had imagined. That it is a common situation in many pregnancies does not make it less hard in each particular case, nor does it prevent us from going through grief.
And here each mother will go through the phases of grief differently, just as each of us goes through the phases of our duel differently. What is important is to go through it and not deny it. We have the right not to believe it, to be sad, to be angry and, finally, to accept it when we are ready. It is a process that each of these mothers will have to live at their own pace and in their own way.
The artist Paula Bonet speaks in her social networks and in her illustrations about pregnant bodies without embryo, in which he faces the experiences of women facing spontaneous abortions.
Get away from guilt
Within this grieving process we may face guilt. Faced with the death of loved ones, especially unexpectedly, it's not uncommon for some people to feel guilty and have to deal with her during the duel.
In the case of women who experience spontaneous abortions, this fault may be more common and even more intense. Therefore, one of the most important parts when dealing with grief is work on that feeling of guilt.
To do this, both Our gynecologist as a mental health professional can help us. And, in the majority of spontaneous abortions, there is nothing that mothers could have done or not done to avoid it. In the case of spontaneous abortions, these are "accidents" of nature that are usually due to fetal causes.
Neither not doing sports, not having had sex or having rested more, or anything else we can think of, could have avoided it. For each one of us the acceptance of this fact will take a different time to arrive, but it is a key aspect to the duel.
What to ask our environment
When we go through such a situation, it is very natural that our environment wants to help and support us. But nevertheless, often the most appropriate phrases are not used to help us. Moreover, they may be able to affect us more.
Therefore, we have the right to ask our environment what we need from them. Whether they listen to you if you need to talk, like they respect you if you want not to talk about it. It is also important that the environment understands that sometimes it's better to say nothing You use manida phrases that can do more harm.
We are having a duel, that we have the right to live, and phrases like "I'm sure you will soon get pregnant again", even if they may be true, detract from the duel that we are now living and that we need to close.
Therefore, if we can, it's time to ask them to listen if we need it, but without judging us and without opinion from their point of view. Only by listening to ours and leaving us the space to let off steam until we can leave the duel behind.
Images | This is Us, What to expect when you are expecting, Giphy